Ask Maggie

Q: Dear Maggie,
My owner, or "my person", rather, makes little waffling noises and paddles in his sleep. Sometimes he growls and says stuff like "Really moved some units today," and "Peter can handle that." Should I be worried? — Peabo, Cardigan Welsh Corgi, Atlanta, GA

A: Dear Peabo,
I wouldn't worry about it. Humans have funny dreams that never mean what they think they mean. That's the problem with having a big brain that you barely use, just when you give up on it and go to sleep, it kicks in and gives you all of life's answers in metaphor. They'd be so much better rested if they just dreamed about chasing the same stick over and over.

Q: Dear Maggie,
The gentleman who keeps me can't seem to keep his pee in the toilet. He has gone to great lengths to teach me to pee in a single spot outside, but he himself strays more than a heard of Suffolk lambs. Isn't that hypocritical? — Cromwell, Pointer, Falmouth, Virginia

A: Dear Cromwell,
Some people are hypocrites. Some hypocrites are roofing subcontractors. Therefore, some people carry around those 84-ounce "cups" of a carbonated neon soda that makes them have to urinate quite unexpectedly sometimes. So why not cut them a little slack on the old bathroom maintenance thing. As long as he goes in the same room every time.

Q: Dear Maggie,
My owner videotapes me doing everything. She goes through tape after tape recording walks, runs in the park, squeaky toy games, everything. The other day she kept throwing pieces of chicken into the windmill at the miniature golf course out by the highway and saying "Ok, now. Ok, now." — Curtis, Jack Russell (smooth coat), Las Vegas, NM

A: Dear Curtis,
Your owner is trying to win between ten thousand and a hundred thousand dollars videotaping you doing something funny or dangerous. I would suggest you practice getting on a trampoline with kids, howling when someone plays the piano or sitting down and dragging your hind end across an expensive rug like you have impacted glands. All those are sure winners. Don't let anyone put you in a hat or sunglasses though.

Q: Dear Maggie,
My owner gets up early. Pre-dawn early. Like, 5 a.m. early. He's not a US Marine or anything. He works at the mall, I think. He wants me to get up and go running with him. I gotta tell you, I'm against it, especially in the winter. What's up with the extreme training thing? I gotta get my 23 hours of Zs if you know what I mean. — Keefer, Labrador, Southfield, MI.

A: Dear Keefer,
I have mixed feelings about your situation. On the one hand I'm fairly convinced that your person loves you and wants you to keep him company on his run, which actually, is good for you too. On the other hand I'm kind of sleepy myself. I think I'll just lie down for a bit.

Maggie Hunter founded Dawg Tired. She is the fearless leader of our pack and experienced in giving advice to dogs of all ages – and one or two cats, occasionally. Send Maggie your questions, she will chew on it, sleep on it and if she can think of a great answer, she'll post it here. AskMaggie@dawg-tired.com